My Messy Miscarriage – Raw Details Exposing Everything That Happened

On May 6th I found out I was pregnant with our third baby and on June 23^rd, I found out I was having a miscarriage.

With our first two pregnancies, we got pregnant right away and I had been so excited that we didn’t have to try for months to get pregnant and even more excited that I had passed the 12-week mark of each pregnancy, indicating that any chance for a miscarriage was super low.

When Jacob and I decided to start trying for our third baby, I figured I would have a very similar experience. But it took us several months. Each month I would take an early detection pregnancy test several days before my period was about to start just to see if I was pregnant. (Actually, I’m just really impatient and I literally couldn’t wait. Ha.) So on May 6th, when I finally saw the positive sign, I was thrilled. Finally, I was pregnant.

I scheduled my first appointment for June 5^th when I would be 8.5 weeks and we saw our third baby on the ultrasound monitor! Measuring a little small, but alive and with a good heartbeat. Woohoo! The following weeks I could feel my body changing and responding to the pregnancy – my breast size increased, my stomach was tighter, buttoning my pants became more difficult, I swore I was already developing the tiniest baby bump, and I was SUPER exhausted and needed a nap almost every day. I was confident I was pregnant.

On Friday, June 23^rd, I went into my 11-week appointment for another ultrasound. Since Baby had previously measured a little small, my doctor wanted to get updated measurements after Baby had grown some more so she could give me an accurate due date.

Instead of getting a due date, I was told that Baby had not grown at all. There was no heartbeat. I was having a miscarriage.

The following days, I had a miscarriage. And it was TRAUMATIC. Easily the worst thing I have ever experienced.

I was completely unprepared for everything that happened to me.

The rate for miscarriage is 1 in 5 pregnancies. That’s a really high percentage of pregnancies. You would think that with something so common, there would be LOTS of information on the internet about what to expect, the different stages of the miscarriage, the range of normalcy of the different stages, etc.

As I miscarried, I could not find any of the information I actually needed.

My husband, an enneagram five, master researcher of literally all the things, could not find the information either.

Why I’m Sharing

I am choosing to share my messy miscarriage story in hopes that reading about what I went through can maybe help just one mama going through the same thing – that my story can provide some of the missing puzzle pieces to the information that you’re looking for.

Writing my story and all the insane details is FOR SURE no easy feat. As I’ve been writing this out, my eyes have constantly been filled with tears. But I’ve found that writing it all out brings a unique clarity to understanding my own story.

Something our counselor told me is that what I went through was indeed traumatic. BUT it could only be labeled as traumatizing if I chose to repress the memories, the emotions, the feelings of what I went through and to put it aside and choose to not unpack the ins and outs. I don’t want that for myself.

What I went through was traumatic, but I refuse to let it be traumatizing.

I’m going to unpack my story. I’m going to continue to talk through what I felt and the specific things that left me feeling more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt before.

So, here I am. Sharing my messy miscarriage story.

What Happened – Step by Step – My Story

Before Finding Out I Would Miscarry

June 21^st (Wednesday)

With two prior successful pregnancies, I knew exactly what it was like to be pregnant. Sure, there are some differences in symptoms and severity of symptoms, but I had done it before. Even though I wasn’t far along, I felt like my belly was rapidly growing, I could tell my pants fit more snug around my abdomen and my stomach felt tighter. My breasts were very tender and had grown a full cup size in a matter of a few weeks. My bras stopped fitting when I was about 8 weeks pregnant, and at 10 weeks, I spent $100 on three new bras that would hopefully last me the entire pregnancy. I spent money on maternity and loose fitting shirts because all of my shirts started to feel tight at my waist. I was super exhausted all the time and took naps almost every day, something I never do, except when I’ve been pregnant.

Two days before my appointment where I would have a second ultrasound, I had gone to the bathroom and noticed some light pink blood after I had wiped. Seeing blood in your first trimester is scary. Seeing it again the next day is even scarier.

At 11 weeks along, all of the signs had pointed to a normal pregnancy for me. All of the signs except for the bleeding.

The bleeding was barely anything. It was very light.

The day before my ultrasound, I was bleeding more, but it wasn’t even enough to cover a pantiliner over the course of a few hours.

Those two days were filled with lots of anxiety and many frantic google searches trying to discern the difference between vaginal bleeding and spotting in pregnancy. I read that spotting can be normal in pregnancy, but vaginal bleeding is not. Mine seemed to be somewhere in between, which was not helpful.

I remember going to the park the night before my appointment and feeling so anxious. Was I having a miscarriage? Was my baby okay? Would I be okay? What if everything is fine and I’m just worrying for nothing? Would worrying to this extent for no reason affect my baby?

From looking at all the medical websites, I couldn’t tell on my own if I was going through a miscarriage. I was forced to wait for my appointment. (Did I mention I’m not very good at waiting?)

Finding Out I Was Having a Miscarriage

June 23^rd (Friday)

I was lying exposed on the table with a thin blanket. Afraid. Already in shock. Heart pounding. Scared. Darting thoughts, yet laser focused on every move and every sound in the doctor’s office. Silent tears streaming fast down my cheeks. Bright, harsh lights. Preparing myself for the worst news. Secretly and silently hoping everything is actually okay. Knowing that if the baby has died, that I will remember the words my doctor says for the rest of my life.

The ultrasound screen came on and I saw our baby and quietly pointed to the screen. I noticed that our baby took up the same amount of space on the screen as it did the last time we were here, likely indicating that the baby hadn’t grown.

Lots of silence from my doctor and the two nurses in the room. Lots of tears sliding easily down my cheeks.

“Well, I’m not seeing a heartbeat for the fetus and my measurements are showing that the fetus hasn’t had any growth since the last time you were here 2.5 weeks ago.”

Last time I was here, she had definitely used the word “baby” and now it was “fetus”.

“I believe you are in the beginning stages of having a miscarriage.”

After maneuvering the ultrasound wand for a couple more minutes, she turned the monitor off and the nurse technicians quietly left the room. I sat up on the table and placed the blanket back over my legs.

She repeated everything again. Tears continued to stream down my face.

I was in shock. I had somewhat expected this news, but still, everything she was saying was going in one ear and out the other.

She explained that if I didn’t want to seek out a second opinion, that there were three different options I could take to finalize the miscarriage process:

1. Take medication
2. Surgery for a D&C
3. Let my body take care of it naturally

Holding onto the hope that my baby might miraculously be okay, even though I very clearly saw the signs that would not be the case, I chose to let my body have the miscarriage without any interventions.

She went on to describe the miscarriage process of having some bleeding and cramping and said that it should be complete within a week. (A week?! I figured miscarriages only lasted a couple of hours. Hearing that it would take a week was definitely surprising.)

My doctor asked if I had any questions, and I didn’t. How could I? I was in shock. My brain literally could not process anything. (Within 20 minutes of my doctor leaving the room I actually had MANY questions.)

She walked out of the room and I instantly started crying.

I finally had my answer. I was having a miscarriage. I had expected it. But I didn’t want it. Not even a little bit.

Miscarriage – Part One

After we left the doctor’s office, Jacob drove me to our favorite coffee shop and we grabbed coffees and something to eat. If I wasn’t technically pregnant anymore, I was definitely going to look on the bright side and enjoy a second cup of coffee for the day. We happened to have a counseling appointment scheduled for the same morning, so we had a little bit of time to kill. We parked our car at one of our favorite spots and talked about what just happened and then headed to our appointment, which is detailed in the section below, “What Helped.”

Later that day, my bleeding increased and I switched to using heavier pads. Not necessarily because I needed to, but mostly because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I felt sad, but physically alright. We let our boys spend the afternoon with my sister and parents so we could be alone and process everything.

Over the next two days, my bleeding increased and I started passing some clots. I had some cramping that was similar to cramps I had while I was on my period. I rested a lot. Our family actually spent a couple hours at the lake that weekend, because that’s where I feel most at peace. Some of my cramps were more painful and laying down helped.

June 26^th (Monday)

Up until this point, my miscarriage had felt manageable. Jacob was back at work and I was home with the boys. Still sad, still bleeding, but competent. My sister texted me asking if I needed anything and I told her we could use some more toilet paper and pads. And at 12:30p, I asked if she was able to take the boys for a few hours. Around 2p, she brought me the supplies and took the boys to her house.

At this point, I knew I was still bleeding, but it was still manageable. I had taken some Tylenol for the cramps, but I was okay. Jacob had a two-day work trip planned for the next day and I had texted him that morning that it was okay for him to go.

But around 2:45p, everything started going downhill.

I went to the bathroom and noticed a lot of blood was starting to come out. After about 10 minutes of sitting on the toilet and still having a lot of cramps and seeing a lot of blood, I figured this was probably the time when most of my miscarriage would take place. I lit a candle, turned the bathroom lights off, and played some worship music and practiced a lot of deep breathing. And I cried and mourned the loss of our baby.

At 3:30p, my cramps started to feel more like contractions. They were VERY painful. I could tell that, like contractions in labor, the pain would rise and fall and I would have a few minutes in between the crests of pain. The contractions were two minutes apart and lasted for a minute.

I knew from my labors that the best way to manage the pain was to relax my face, my jaw, and my body the best I could, and that did help a little. I was still on the toilet, bleeding a lot. I could hear the clots dropping into the toilet.

At 3:45p the contractions got worse. Jacob would be home at 4:45p and I contemplated whether or not I needed him home now or if I could hold out for an hour. After another set of contractions and deeply moaning through the pain, I knew I needed to call Jacob and ask him to come home immediately. By 4:05p, he was with me in the bathroom.

I had him put pressure on my pelvic bones to relieve some of the pain and had him rub my back. At this point, I was sobbing. Everything was physically painful. The worst I have ever felt, which includes my two prior births. I knew that like my births, I needed to start pushing the tissue and clots out. In between contractions, Jacob and I were each googling if this was normal. I was paying attention to the amount of blood still coming out of me.

At the height of the contractions, I finally decided to wipe. I will never forget what I felt – this giant, fist sized sac. (I now know that was likely the fetal sac.) I tried to wipe it away and after a few minutes, it disconnected and fell into the toilet. My contractions slowed down, and turned back into cramps, until it came to a stop. At this point, I started feeling light-headed and slightly delirious. But after about 5 minutes, that feeling went away. Jacob called my mom to see if she could drop her car off for us in case we needed to go to the hospital. (He had his work vehicle, but it wasn’t ideal to use that.)

Jacob called the on-call doctor and explained everything that was happening – the bleeding, the level of pain, and how long everything had been going on. This doctor didn’t give us a range of normalcy, but said that I shouldn’t be leaking through a pad within 30 minutes, and that shouldn’t happen for more than an hour. The doctor also said that in the climax of the miscarriage that extra bleeding was to be expected. We weren’t told how long that extra bleeding should be lasting or when we could expect it to taper off.

I flushed the toilet again so that I could keep an eye on how much I was bleeding now that the pain had subsided. If you could imagine barely turning a faucet to where it is constantly dripping, but not as much as if it were the smallest steady stream, that’s how much I was bleeding. And it had been like that for two hours now.

After about 30 more minutes of sitting on the toilet, I decided to try to lay down in our bed. I could tell I was still bleeding a lot, but I needed a change in position. After only 15 minutes of laying down, I stood back up and immediately felt blood gush out all over the pad I was wearing – to the extent where it was like a water balloon burst in my underwear. I quickly waddled back to the bathroom trying to keep the blood from flowing down my legs. Another set of google searches trying to figure out if this was normal or excessive.

I read on one of the sites that if your blood pressure dropped significantly during the miscarriage process, that it was not a good sign. Still on the toilet and bleeding, we pulled out our blood pressure monitor and checked – normal, but as soon as we pulled the cuff off, I started breathing heavier. I got really light headed and felt dizzy. I was instantly hot and sweaty, and I remember saying to Jacob, “Something is definitely wrong and I am scared.” He stood right up against me and I passed out. Jacob literally had to hold my head and torso up because I could not. I could not think. I literally could not function. Everything was swirly.

I remember him putting a cold washcloth on my neck, and that helped. After a few minutes, I was able to start thinking and speaking again, and I slowly began to regain function and control over my body.

I was legit terrified. I had never passed out before in my life. I had never lost complete control of my body and what it was doing.

When I was coherent again, I told Jacob we had to go to the Emergency Room. Something was not right. I wiped as much as I could and changed my pants and pad. While I was doing that, Jacob quickly grabbed some extra clothes for me to take with us. I was so light headed. I felt SO weak.

On the way, Jacob called my parents and asked them if they could keep the boys for the night. I sent out a couple texts updating our friends and family on what was going on.

We drove to the ER and as soon as I stepped out of the car, I felt the same gush of blood. I squeezed my legs together the best I could as we walked to the hospital doors. By the time we walked in, I had to sit down because I was so tired and so out of breath. I remember apologizing to the check in person for getting blood on the chair.

They moved me into a wheelchair and checked us in. Within two minutes, we were in the triage room. They hooked me up to the blood pressure monitor and just like at home, I instantly passed out again and lost complete control of my body and was unresponsive. They wheeled me straight to one of the ER rooms and I remember the nurse speaking really loudly to me and putting a cold washcloth on my head, both of which were really nice.

They lifted me on to the bed and put it in a lying down position. Much better. Laying down almost instantly revived me and I could think again. Being in the hospital full of knowledgeable medical staff, I finally felt safe, and that if I was going to bleed out, that this was the best spot for it.  Jacob and I no longer had to monitor my bleeding and be in charge of deciding if it was normal or not.

The doctor in charge of the ER that night was a man, and he came into the room to get a sense for what was going on.  He submitted orders for my blood to be drawn to determine my hemoglobin levels and said that I would need a pelvic exam to see why I was bleeding so much and if the fetal sac had passed.

Side Note: I have always wondered how I would react to a male doctor giving me a pelvic exam and whether I would care or feel embarrassed or ask for a female doctor instead. Turns out, when you are in an emergent situation like I was, you really don’t care. At all. Zero embarrassment. Like I said, I always wondered, and now I know.

As he began the pelvic exam, there was so much blood that he couldn’t see anything after inserting the speculum. He asked the nurse to hand him the suction tube and began suctioning out my blood, including multiple large clots. (This may be TMI, but you know the sound your smoothie makes when you get to the end of the cup, but you’re trying hard to get those last two sips out with your straw? That’s what this sounded like. It honestly made me feel so gross.)

The doctor was unable to determine if the fetal sac had passed, so he ordered an ultrasound. While I waited to be moved, I continued bleeding and passing clots. The ER was packed that night, and the staff was very busy. Because of that, no one had the time to change out the large square pads that I was bleeding onto. No one had the time to get me wipes or rags to wipe up the blood that was now sticking to and staining my legs and bottom. I have never felt so gross in my entire life. And gross doesn’t even begin to define the disgust I felt of just sitting in my own blood.

In the meantime, my hemoglobin level was at 11.2 and trending downward. (I was told that the normal range is between 12 and 14. At 8, they start thinking about doing a blood transfusion, and at 6-7, it is considered dangerously low and they will do a blood transfusion.) They started me on two different medications, both to get my blood cells to stop the bleeding. One was in the liquid bag through my IV and the other was a pill.

After a while, the ultrasound technician came and wheeled me to the room. My pad had still not been changed and I was still just sitting in my blood. Except now, I had to spread my legs apart to allow her to position the vaginal ultrasound. All the while without being cleaned up since before we left for the ER.

The room was dark and the ultrasound monitor was quiet. The technician didn’t talk much, other than to ask me to lift my bottom to be in a bridge position to allow her to see my ovaries better. The screen was positioned away from us, so we weren’t able to see anything. Everything was quiet, almost peaceful, but at the same time, it wasn’t. It felt like my whole body was in a state of chaos. From losing our baby, to bleeding so much, to sooo many new faces seeing the insides of my uterus – everything was not what it should have been. I cried a little, but mostly dozed in and out.

Back in my room, the nurses asked me to try standing. Feeling much better from laying down, I was somewhat confident I could stand. Oof. Nope. As soon as I stood up, I got really light headed, sweaty, dizzy, pounding head, uneasy. Before I could pass out for the third time, they quickly got me back in bed. Still incredibly dizzy, breathing hard, and head spinning, I quickly told Jacob to hand me the puke bag. I leaned over the bed and threw up into it, conscious and strong just enough to do so while not falling out of the bed.

The doctor and nurses came in and out of the room over the next two hours to check on me. The doctor said that the ultrasound showed the fetal sac had passed but that it would still take a few days to pass the remaining clots. They rechecked my hemoglobin levels and gave me another bag of medicine.

Around 12am, the nurses came in and were (finally) able to change out the pads and clean me up. This is weird to say, but as they were cleaning me up and wiping all the blood off me, I felt so loved by them. Their care and attention made me feel cared for. It was gentle, and it was very kind. After about 10 minutes, I was finally clean and feeling better. No longer felt gross.

My hemoglobin results came back and showed 10.5. The doctor said that it was 100% the right call to come in when we did. He said that if I had gone another 24 hours, I would be dangerously close to needing a transfusion and possibly not getting it in time. He asked me to try standing again, but urged me to take it more slowly this time. If I was able to walk, they could release me from the ER.

I sat up on the side of the bed for a few minutes before standing up, holding onto Jacob’s arms. I carefully let go and walked around the hospital bed. I still felt weak, but very happy my bleeding had slowed and that I could walk this (very) short distance without supports.

I sat back down and began the discharge process. I needed to change back into my clothes, so I took my time standing up again. I walked two rooms down to change in the bathroom. As I bent over to pull my pants up, I started getting light headed again. I knew I had maybe a minute before I passed out, so as quickly as I could, which was very slow, I made my way back to my room. About halfway, my head started pounding and I blacked out. I could barely see and I was one second from falling over when a nurse saw me and quickly steadied me and took me back to the bed where I collapsed. Out of breath. Again, the horizontal position helped, and I felt better within a minute.

I was very nervous they would keep us longer, but they thankfully let us continue the discharge process. Just after 1a, they wheeled me out.

I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch so we stopped to grab burgers before crashing into our bed at home.

Over the next couple of days, I had throbbing headaches constantly. I couldn’t stand for more than a minute or two. My body felt extremely weak. I couldn’t take care of our boys. I tried to walk, but it was very slow and very exhausting.

Miscarriage – Part Two (Yup, it got worse)

June 30^th (Friday)

It had been a full week since my last doctor appointment where I found out I would be going through a miscarriage. I had a low fever (like 99.9-100.8) for the last two days, despite taking Tylenol, resting, and drinking lots of water. I was still bleeding and passing clots, ranging in size from the size of my pinky nail to the size of a golf ball. I was concerned that since I had a fever, I was developing an infection. I was still super weak from my blood loss and couldn’t stand for more than 15 minutes without getting a massive pounding headache. Although, 15 minutes was an improvement from the 0-5 minutes between Tuesday and Thursday, it still wasn’t where I thought I should be.

Prior to my appointment, I wrote down all my questions and all my symptoms and was very specific with numbers for my fevers, length of fevers, and describing the extent to which I could stand and move around.

I went in to my appointment confident that all I would need was antibiotics.

But that’s not what happened.

After hearing my symptoms, my doctor said she would do another ultrasound and pelvic exam. The ultrasound went fairly quick and she measured my uterus. She commented that she could tell just from my pelvic exam that I had lost a lot of blood. She pulled out several clots and wiped blood away before having me sit back up.

She told me that she was concerned that I had lost a lot of blood, even more after my ER visit Monday night. She saw an infection as well, and pointed out that I should not still be bleeding this much.

And then she said she would be sending me to the hospital immediately to get scheduled for surgery to do a D&C.

She said that the remaining tissue had to come out immediately. She mentioned I may need a blood transfusion, depending on my hemoglobin levels.

She said everything I had gone through in the last seven days was not normal. (How was I supposed to know?!) I asked if we had time to go home and pack before we headed to the hospital, and she said no. She would be calling the hospital right away and telling them to prepare me for surgery.

She left the room, and I got myself cleaned up and dressed.

In shock again, Jacob had to repeat everything she said.

My brain was so foggy from the blood loss.

I could feel another pile of tears coming on.

Out of all the things I had expected could happen at this appointment, going immediately to the hospital for surgery was not one of them. It hadn’t even crossed my mind as a possibility.

As I peed for the third time since I got to the appointment (symptom of the infection), Jacob called his boss and got the rest of the day off. And then he called my sisters, who were watching the boys, and gave them a list of things we needed at the hospital and told them to prepare the boys for another set of sleepovers.

I typed out a generic text to send to our friends and family, “They are sending me in to the ER right now for surgery to do a D&C and possible blood transfusion. They are concerned I’ve lost way too much blood in addition to having an infection. They said what I’m going through is not the norm and seem quite concerned with everything I was describing that was going on. Surgery is at 3p and if everything goes smoothly, we should hopefully be back home tonight.”

We drove to the hospital and walked through the ER for the SECOND time that week. It was weird. I have never gone to the ER for anything, even when I was little. And here I was a second time.

We checked in and the nurse started two IVs. I changed into the surgery gown and they wheeled me up to the empty surgery floor, where I was the last patient of the day. 

Because the floor was so empty, it was quiet and somewhat peaceful. Our nurse was really kind and let me keep two pairs of their non-slip socks. Different nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologists came into the room where I was asked to repeat why I was there and why I was getting surgery. (That sounds difficult, but I think that since I had been having the miscarriage for a full seven days, it was easy to say.) I think because of the blood loss, I was still a bit foggy in my brain, so Jacob had to sign the surgery paperwork allowing them to proceed with the D&C.

Other than that, Jacob prayed for me and we mostly waited for 3p to come around. One of the OR nurses asked me if there was a particular music artist they could have playing in the room during the surgery and I told her Maverick City. As they wheeled me in, I was a little scared, but mostly felt grateful for the miscarriage to finally come to an end.

The anesthesiologist told me I’d feel a burning sensation as he put me to sleep. I really tried to fight the sleepy feeling to see how long I could hold out, but I think I only lasted a few seconds, haha. The next thing I knew I was slowly waking up in a recovery room. They gave me a heating pad for the light cramps I was feeling and waited for me to fully wake up before wheeling me back to our room.

I felt such an incredible peace in my entire body after the surgery. All the constant prayers from family and friends was unbelievably tangible.

After an hour, I was discharged and we left the hospital.

Finally hopeful that the worst parts of my miscarriage were behind me.

Recovery

Similar to after you give birth, there are certain restrictions that I was given. I could not take any baths and was told to limit the amount and length of showers I took. I was not allowed to lift anything over 10 pounds for five days (very hard to do as a mom with two young boys). I was still physically weak, but was told to try and walk for a minute or two every hour.

My doctor told me that it would take a month to recover the amount of blood I lost. That included a lot of my symptoms too. For the first week after the surgery, I had bad headaches and could walk only very short distances. I couldn’t stand for more than 15-30 minutes. After Jacob went back to work, I was scared I wouldn’t be able to take care of the boys.

For two weeks, I was terrified to go into a grocery store. What if I passed out again? How far could I walk without passing out? Would I have to lay down in the middle of the store in order to avoid passing out? How frightened would our boys be if they saw me pass out?

A week after the D&C, I had another follow-up appointment with my doctor that I was also terrified to go to. The last few appointments had gone horribly and I was really freaked out that she could potentially say something that I wasn’t prepared to hear. I shared my concerns about grocery stores with her and she suggested I walk in small circles near our home where I would be close enough to head back inside when needed.

Very slowly, over the course of a full month, I regained my strength. I took 65mg Iron supplements, sometimes twice a day, drank lots of water, rested, and tried to eat lots of burgers. My friends and family checked on me often and I would give them progress updates. One of my favorite progress updates was when I shared with a friend that I was finally able to walk a mile.

Hardest Parts

Physical:

Definitely the contractions. They were the worssst. In my labors with the boys, I chose to get epidurals. I went through maybe an hour of painful contractions before I had the relief of the epidural. With my miscarriage, there was no pain relief. And on top of that, there’s no joy or no hope to look forward to in birthing your baby and knowing that your pain was worth it. The miscarriage contractions were excruciating and I didn’t know if or when they would stop.

Personally:

My doctor and all of the medical websites on Google did not prepare me AT ALL for what I went through.

I love to plan things. I love checklists. I love to know things. I love to learn things. When something weird comes up, I love that I can hop on Google and find all the answers I could ever need.

The rate for miscarriage is about 20% – one in five of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. With something so common, I expected there would be ample information. Information ranging on what to expect, what it would look like, what it would feel like, how long the process would take, and how much blood loss was to be expected.

My (incorrect) perception was that the miscarriage would maybe last a day. Whenever someone has mentioned a miscarriage, it was said so lightly. Not that it wasn’t extremely sad, it was just always like, “Oh yeah, I’ve had a miscarriage.” End of story. No details. No implications that it was a huge event, just sort of this super sad inconvenience.

What I went through, was nothing like that. It was so much more than a sad experience. My miscarriage took a long time. It was traumatic. It was extremely painful. It was very sad.

After processing everything that happened with Jacob and our counselor, I’ve realized that I find a lot of safety and comfort in knowledge. Knowledge of things or knowledge of who can tell me the things. With the knowledge, I am able to control whatever my situation is. At many points during the miscarriage, that safety blanket of knowledge and control kept being yanked out from under me, little by little.

By the time I was told I would be having a D&C, something I hadn’t planned on, that security I had falsely placed in controlling my life, was completely pulled out from under me. I felt so silly and ridiculous, embarrassed even, that I would be going through something I hadn’t thought through or seen as a possibility. It freaked me out to the MAX.

My illusion of control over my body, over the medical system, knowledgeable doctors who would give me all the information I could need – all of it was completely stripped away and shattered during my miscarriage. And it felt like I was the only one standing in this huge empty white space, with nothing there to protect me.

Random Moments:

Without warning, there have been many random moments where the weight of what happened hits me, and I cry. It’s said that grief comes in waves, and I have found that to be true.

I think the hardest random moments are when my sweet boys ask about why our baby died and why so and so’s baby got to live. Those questions make me cry, because I don’t know why. And I don’t get to know why. What I do know is that it wasn’t anything I did and that I will get to see our baby in Heaven.

Financially:

In addition to the random moments of sadness, seeing the bills start to come in is no fun. Seeing the breakdown of costs – the labs, the medicine, the emergency services, the anesthesiologist, the various ultrasounds, plasma and blood testing – all of it is a stark confrontation with the reality of what I went through, what my body went through.

Thankfully, Jacob and I have an emergency fund where we have money saved to cover emergencies such as this, but it is just super annoying and frustrating to have to pay lots of money, as much as we did for the boys’ births, and not get a healthy baby out of it.

What Helped

Counseling

On the day we found out we would be having a miscarriage, we had a counseling appointment. I was immediately able to share everything and start processing with a professional. One question our counselor asked that was very helpful to me was to ask myself, “How can I practice kindness towards myself and towards my body as I go through this?”

I sat with that question during our counseling session and came up with a few answers:

1. I decided to take the day and the whole next week off. I didn’t want to think about work at all.
2. I decided I would let my boss reschedule the meetings I had, rather than try to reschedule them myself or attend them since they were only an hour each. I would also ask my coworker to submit time-sensitive reports.
3. I decided that I would let Jacob be the one to text our family and friends – to share the news of the miscarriage, to answer questions, to arrange childcare.
4. I decided that if someone asked if there was anything they could do for me, that I would accept that help, and that Jacob would be the one to respond, identifying specific needs I had.
5. I put together a list of things I felt would be helpful to me as I grieved and went through my miscarriage and shared that list with Jacob to pass along.
   • Vanilla ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, lilies, doing something active and fun with the boys for several hours, help with laundry, cooking dinner
6. I decided that I would like a candle, calming music, and Frankincense oil while I was in the bathroom.
7. I decided that I would choose to be as peaceful and as gentle with my body as I could while I was actively miscarrying.
8. I decided that I would pray for my baby as I passed my clots. And later as I passed clot after clot, that it was okay to be respectful of my baby and flush everything in the toilet. (Even writing this now, it just makes me cry because that really was so hard for me to do. Babies are meant to be born – to live, and when they die, even like this, it truly is heartbreaking.)

Friends and Family

Our counselor said to pay attention to how they responded to our news and that it would be very telling of the level of friendship we shared. And I have to say that we knew we had great friends before we went through the miscarriage. But going through the miscarriage and watching our friends really come around us and visit us and pray with us and bring me care packages and ice cream and flowers – now we know that we truly have the BEST friends out there.

My family helped take care of our boys when we couldn’t. Two sets of sleepovers and many full days of adventures and play. They loved on our boys well and also took the time to bring us food and check in on me. All of them, friends AND family, near AND far, all of them checked on me and offered their support. I truly felt so loved, cared for, and seen.

Other Miscarriage Stories

I felt like all of the information I needed about what I was going through was hidden from me. My friends and family members who had gone through a miscarriage did not do that with me. Six different women in my life, all close to me, had gone through this before and they so bravely, and vulnerably, shared their own stories with me. They allowed me to ask questions, call them on the phone at night, and text them when I was having a hard time. We cried together and grieved our losses together. I will never forget their kindness in supporting me by sharing their own story.

Worship Music

I love listening to worship music. Whenever I’m going through something difficult, or if my negative or anxious thoughts are too loud in my head, I turn on worship music and pray through the lyrics. There were a lot of times during my miscarriage where I couldn’t pray or I didn’t have the words to pray – having music on in the background filled that gap for me. I had Bethel Music’s Peace Volume II album ON REPEAT the whole week. The album is strategically designed to bring peace and rest through slowing the songs down and playing white noise in the background of each song. (This is a bit geeky), but there are certain musical frequencies and notes that science has actually proven to change our body’s chemistry. In this album, the singers aren’t necessarily following the typical note progression of the songs, but are only singing the notes in the specific frequency and range designed to bring peace to your physical body.

A lot of the song lyrics were also very helpful to me as I faced incredible pain. Lyrics like, “I know it’s all you’ve got to just be strong / And it’s a fight just to keep it together / I know you think that you are too far gone / But hope is never lost, hope is never lost,” from You’re Gonna Be Okay (Jenn Johnson) or, “It’s okay to feel your feelings / You don’t have to hurry through / And it’s okay, it’s okay to cry, you’re healing / ‘Cause when you cry, I cry too,” from I Can See The Light In You (We The Kingdom).

My Husband, Jacob

He has stayed close through everything and navigated me through showing great wisdom, care, and love for me. A true leader of our home. I couldn’t have gone through the last few weeks without him and am extra extra grateful that he’s my husband. When you say your vows in the high moments of your wedding day, you can only pray and hope that they hold true throughout the lows that you may face in your marriage. We got married when we were 20 and 21, and it’s just really hard to know if you picked the right person that will be with you for the rest of your life – the kind of person who really will be there in good times AND bad, in sickness AND in health. I can confidently say that I chose correctly.

Jacob stood firm and maintained a level head when I could not. He literally held my head and body up when I could not because my body gave out on me. He researched countless things for me. He spoke with on call doctors and signed for my D&C. He arranged child care for our boys. He helped me stand up and held me when I had to go up or down our stairs. He steadied me the many times I would get dizzy. He didn’t freak out at all or get angry at what was going on, even though he could have. I am so grateful for him.

God Stories

I can’t help but look for the ways God showed up for me in my darkest moments.

1. I started bleeding two days before my ultrasound appointment. I would have been SO blindsided if I went into that appointment thinking everything was great. Even though those two days held a lot of anxiety, I am so grateful it happened before my appointment and that I wasn’t caught off guard.
2. My sisters are fairly busy people, but they were both randomly and completely available when I needed them most. One sister was unexpectedly given a month off from her nanny job and my other sister, had made no plans with friends for any fun trips or adventures for a full week. Both of them were available and so ready and willing to jump in and help take care of our boys. They also were the ones to bring us things to the hospital and watch High School Musical with me when I needed to watch a comfort movie.
3. Before I began having the bulk of my miscarriage at home, I had asked my sister to take the boys for a few hours. Not even knowing what was about to happen, the boys were out of the house. If they had been home, I wouldn’t have been able to care for them and I probably would have scared them. With them safely out of the house and having fun, I was able to focus all my attention on loving my baby and body as I was losing my baby.
4. Two of the things I wrote down that would be helpful as I miscarried was having a candle and frankincense oil. One of my friends brought me a care package with items she felt would bring me comfort and cozy as I miscarried. Among other items in that package, without me saying anything, was a candle and frankincense oil. When I saw that, it felt like God was saying, “I see you and I know the desires of your heart.”
5. Our health insurance covered most of the cost of the ER visit and surgery. Our health insurance runs July 1^st – June 30^th, and the surgery was on June 30^th. We stayed under the current year’s deductibles and only had to pay 20% of the medical costs. We are on a high deductible plan, so that 20% was a lot less than having to reach our deductible.